Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tricks and Treats
When I was nineteen, I was at an amusement park with a boyfriend who was on the verge of ex-ness and my younger sister, in whom he had a keen interest. Tensions were high. We’d made it through the whole morning without incident, and it was time for lunch. I was vegetarian at the time and had some anxiety about what I might find to eat. I also knew that my food choices would likely separate me from my sister and this boy as they were both apt to choose something quite carnivorous. I was the third wheel, and I felt a yearning for something to fill the hole that was growing inside me. It is important to note that any tension, sexual or otherwise, had gone unvoiced; we were all just the best of friends out for a day of good times at the amusement park (while my insides were torn asunder by the thought of my main squeeze squeezing my sister).
We congregated on a concrete bench by the food court to voice our gastronomic desires. The two of them were pretty much decided on a trip to the hamburger stand together (I knew it; damn hamburgers!). I tried to maintain the appearance of calm nonchalance I had worked on developing over the last few months of bitter anguish over my dying love. Leaning back on my hands, I cocked my head to one side and casually said, “I think I’ll have some pizza.” Well, that is what I meant to say. What I actually said was, “I think I’ll have some penis.” The word practically jumped out of my mouth and danced around mocking us all. What could I do but laugh? We all laughed, and for a brief moment, the tension that had surrounded us the whole day was shattered by my inadvertent utterance of truth.
To this day, my sister (who left said boyfriend in the dust years ago) and I can break into a mean giggle at the mere mention of pizza. In fact, there is perhaps a permanently blown fuse in my brain when it comes to those two “P” words; I feel so passionate about them both. That is part of the reason I love my new culinary gadget. Babeland has embraced my passion for all things “P” and has started carrying the Penis Cupcake pan. This little beauty makes up to six piping hot penises at a time. And while I suppose I could cram a mini Chicago-style pizza into each of these shiny shafts, I think this tin might be better suited for brownies or even Jell-O shots. Mmmmmmm. Whatever you choose to put in your penises, just make sure to use ample grease (no, not K-Y Jelly). It would be a shame to have an accidental beheading or castration upon removal from the pans.
All those years ago at the amusement park, my brain (and Dr. Frued) played a trick on me, but what slipped from my mouth was a delicious treat that I still savor with amusement and (perhaps misguided) pride. What a gift the truth is. Here's to a celebration of penises -- piping hot, cream-filled penises! Just in time for Halloween! What a great opportunity to turn some tricks… into treats.
Purchase your penises at Babeland.
Labels: food, oral sex, review
tidbit posted by Mosa @ 3:48 PM
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
If I Could Do it Myself, I would
A guy friend of mine just started a blog all about cunnilingus. His goal is to help other guys not suck so much... or maybe "suck" more? Bad. I know. I am sorry. It's late. Anyway, he asked me to share whatever insight I might have on the subject. I agreed because, second only to being able to preform oral sex on one's self, is having an educated partner to do the performing. I don't know that what I have to say on the matter is that earth-shattering or mind-blowing (heh...), but I figured I would share it here, in the name of education.
I have not always been a fan of receiving oral sex, believe it or not. I am pretty sure it was my own mental shit, but it took me a long time to feel comfortable with it, let alone let loose and climax.
Here are some things I have learned from experience over the years:
1. Listen. When going down on a woman listen both to her voice and her body. She's giving you a ton of clues.
2. Don't force it. This goes along with the listening thing, but some of the most uncomfortable sexual situations I have been in are when I am giving strong signals with my body and even explicit ones with my voice that are not being heeded. If a woman is pulling you up by your hair or telling you to stop, STOP!! If I don't feel like you are listening to me while I am exposing the most vulnerable part of my body to your face and teeth, there is no way I can trust you. If I can't trust you, there is no way I can enjoy myself. It is also not likely I will let you go down there again in the future. I need to trust the person whose face is between my thighs.
3. Suck. I think some guys are afraid to suck. Literally. They want to treat the vagina like a delicate flower, and I can appreciate taking it slow and being gentle, but having my clit sucked can be great fun and highly stimulating.
4. Avoid the "pussy dive." It is my experience that guys can get into a blow job or other penile stimulation instantaneously. This does not apply to most women I know. It takes time. If a man dives straight for my crotch, I am left wanting to defend myself, not wanting to spread my legs and let him lick me. Take your time. Teasing is highly underrated.
5. Clit-o-vision. Because of what they've read and heard, some guys go straight for the clitoris and don't let up. There are at least two problems with this. First, the clitoris is an extremely sensitive part of a woman's body. Prolonged manipulation (especially before full arousal) can be annoying if not downright painful. The second problem is that sometimes penetration is mighty nice, too. Don't lose the forest for the clit tree. A finger or two inserted in the vagina whilst licking/sucking/nuzzling still counts as oral sex. Oral sex isn't about saying, "Look, Ma! No hands!" Give her a hand, or at least a few digits.
6. Communicate. I know, this sounds lame-ass and like a no brainer, but so many people forget to do it. Most folks I've had sex with aren't psychic. It should not be seen as a failure to ask questions. Because it is a vulnerable position, it is better to ask specific questions rather than general ones. For example, avoid questions like, "What do you like?" Instead try something like, "Would you like more pressure?" or "Would you like me to move more slowly?" Keep the questions simple and yes or no.
7. Enjoy it. I still remember a guy who dipped down from our kissing for one second to plant a weak lick on my pubic bone. It was clear he wasn't into the whole cunnilingus thing, and doing a half-assed courtesy lick didn't benefit either of us. If you are not into it, be with that. Don't fake it. I would like to think that females can tell.
8. You don't know it all. No matter how much we may look or sound or feel alike, women are different. Each woman has her own likes/dislikes. There is no one formula. The best "formula" is to be responsive in the moment. Just because it worked on some chick last week, doesn't mean this week's chick will dig it. You may know a lot. You may have a lot of experience, but you should never presume that you know more about a woman's body than she does. Even if you do ("clito-what?"), never force her into something because you "know what's best." Ask permission. Explain things. Work together; you're on the same team.
As I look over these thoughts, I am sure I am leaving out lots of stuff. I guess I will have to go read The Oral Oh! to fill in the blanks. Keep 'em coming, Mr. Oh!
Labels: body image, oral sex
tidbit posted by Mosa @ 12:28 AM
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