I had my inaugural visit to the Folsom Street Fair this last Sunday, and I had a gay o' time. While I was fully prepared to see the leather and chains that dominated many an outfit, I still found shocks and surprises around every corner. One of my favorite surprises was running into the folks responsible for Divine Interventions. They had lovingly set up a booth displaying all of their heavenly wares.
I first learned about Divine Interventions several years ago as a result of a Google bet with myself. It is a game I like to play, and it goes something like this, "Nasal Sex. Now that's a funny idea. As much as I feel like I am the first person to ever think of it, I bet Google could find it." Yeah. Google usually can find it, no matter how original and/or sick I think I am.
This particular bet took root in Florence, Italy. I was seated in front of Michelangelo's stunning David. I had already been through the shock of rounding the corner at Galleria dell 'Accademia to be confronted with his perfect, seventeen-foot-tall, nakedness. I had walked circles around him and admired him from all angles as tears of joy welled in my eyes (yes, he does have an amazing ass). I was seated in a hushed reverie staring up at this giant nude man and unable to untangle my admiration for his form from my admiration for his creator. I fantasized about what it would like to have an affair with an older man. Five hundred years didn't seem like such a big deal; it was the whole dead thing that was getting in my way.
These feelings of admiration and lust mingled with visions of the David salt and pepper shakers I had seen at all the little vendors' carts all throughout the streets of Florence, and then I made myself a Google bet. "David dildos. Now that's a funny idea. As much as I feel like I am the first person to ever think of it, I bet Google could find it."
After getting my fill of David (visually), my husband and I meandered back to our hotel. I couldn't contain myself, and I shared with him my new vision of David. I felt almost sacrilegious talking about the phallic shape of such a revered work of sculptural genius, but I didn't stop talking and giggling about it. Upon returning to the hotel, we immediately Googled "David Dildo." Nada. In fact, as I sit here now, three years later, I just checked again and was unable to find any sort of David that one might find "satisfying." Maybe I'll have to work on that one.
As we wandered through the rest of Florence and all through Rome, I was full of thoughts for new and never before seen dildos. One night over dinner, while contemplating the sacrilegious feelings I had about my sexual desire for David, I thought of something truly sacrilegious. What symbolizes religion in the way that David has come to represent art? What is a symbol for Christians of their purity and righteousness? Jesus Fucking Christ! A Jesus dildo! Reformed Catholics would line up for one of those, right?
After dinner we rushed back to the hotel. "Jesus Dildos. Now that's a funny idea. As much as I feel like I am the first person to ever think of it, I bet Google could find it." This time Google pulled through for me, and introduced me to Divine Interventions. This oh-we're-so-going-to-hell company not only makes Jesus dildos, but they are also the creators of the Baby Jesus Butt plug. Now, I don't know if I would have even thought of feeling god inside of me like that.
When I first found Divine Interventions, I explored their site thoroughly. These evil geniuses have made something to offend (or amuse -- depending on your fervor) everyone. If you are not feeling the love for Christ on the Cross, you can always opt for Buddha's Delight. Even the females are represented. I mean, who doesn't get all hot under the collar thinking of the Virgin Mary or a sleek, silicone sister? The Diving Nun, like all of their lovely toys, is handcrafted from 100% silicone. Jesus! These guys are practically dildo artisans!
When I visited these evil doers at Folsom, I learned that they've expanded their line. Not only did they have all of their fantastic religious icons on display, they have decided to divinely intervene in politics. Fuckin' Barack Obama!
Now we can get fucked by politics and religion without even having to leave the comfort of our homes. God bless Divine Interventions!
